Facing My Fear

I recant my earlier post. I just saw the footage of OK. I have no problems.

I am officially huge

TW sizes and numbers

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Does anyone know which is better, Excellus BCBS, FIdelis, or Total Care?

So I talked to a financial counselor at the clinic and they said I can only apply for financial assistance if I’ve been denied Medicaid. So I called billing to ask how much each appt is going to cost, and once I meet the deductible and insurance starts covering, seeing Katie once a week will cost me almost as much as seeing Kathleen twice a week. So not as bad as I feared, but still more than I’d like. And the insurance coverage is supposed to go down (I’m not sure when) which would make things worse. I talked with my dad about this and he is okay with me going ahead with Medicaid. (He also said I need an income. No duh.) So now I have to hope I qualify for Medicaid. I also am applying for a scholarship from the FREED Foundation. I doubt I’m going to get it, but I figure it couldn’t hurt. And here’s to hoping I get a job, too.

I’m super super worried about affording therapy. I may not be able to get the financial assistance. I looked online to see what it entails and they want all these documents to prove that you need it but I can’t provide most of them. I have never made enough money to pay tax so I have no tax return forms, I have no proof of income because I have no income, etc. etc. The only financial anything I can give them is my bank statement. My dad thinks there’s a possibility that I may need to hold off on getting Medicaid, which would eliminate that option, but he doesn’t know for sure. I have to get a case manager pronto to help me figure all this out. I don’t know of any other ways to help me afford therapy.

So the lady from the intake office never called me back yesterday. So I have to wait all the way until Monday. I hate waiting. I just want to see a therapist again. I’m so nervous about affording this though. What I really need to do is get on Medicaid. The only thing about that is a couple of my medications wouldn’t be covered, including Lexapro, which seems to be the only anti-depressant that works for me. Which I suppose Jean could submit a request for them to cover it, because I looked and it says that you can do that. I’m not as worried about the Singulair and the Advair. I hardly ever take the Advair anyway, and I kind of wonder if my asthma hasn’t improved anyways. And there are other things I could try. It’s really just the Lexapro that’s a concern for me. So hopefully I will get Medicaid, hopefully I will get the financial assistance for the clinic, and hopefully I will get a job really soon. 

Katie called me back. I forgot to ask her if she got my e-mails or not, so I don’t know what happened there. I’m wondering if she just didn’t get them. I’ve had someone stop receiving my e-mails before, so maybe that’s what happened, I don’t know. Anyways, Katie had me call the billing office. The person in the billing office said they do not work on a sliding scale, but they do offer financial assistance. I would have to go to a session before I could apply. Once I receive the bill I can get the paperwork and cross my fingers and toes that I qualify for aid. I’m also going to work on getting a case manager so I can work on getting on medicaid. So I called Katie back to let her know that’s what I was going to do, but I had to leave a message. Hoping to hear back from her by the end of the day. 

So I called the clinic and they had me leave a message on Katie’s voicemail. Let’s see if she actually calls me back. 

I’m not waiting for Katie anymore. I’m calling the clinic tomorrow. This is ridiculous. I can’t figure out for the life of me why she’s not e-mailing me back. I even e-mailed her again today and asked her if she’d rather me do the asking (which I’m going to do anyway) because I really need to know if I need to keep looking. I’m wondering if she even read the e-mail. Like, wtf?

ONE email Katie. Just ONE email. Is that too hard for you? Really, come on now.

Whenever I look into the mirror I just want to break it. I’ve gained so much weight over the past year plus (40 pounds of it being unneeded aka over my range) that it just makes me sick. I’m disgusted with myself. Yet I still can’t manage to stick to my meal plan all the time. I’m down to 2 mg of the Abilify now. It can’t still be the Abilify, can it? Am I just used to eating like this because of the Abilify and now I’m just not going to be able to get myself to stop? I’m terrified that I’m never going to lose the extra weight, or even will gain even more. And I have no one to process this with right now. No one.

tw

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